Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica

551. I am especially not allowed to yell “Stand with a Fist and Deliver” after hearing (or starting) rumors about the President having the Admiral’s love child.
*Even if Cottle yelled it first during Lamaze training
*That was not Lamaze training anyway; it was Cottle’s Yoga for Fleet Leaders class.
*I may not take photos of the President, the Vice President, and the Admiral participating in Cottle’s Yoga for Fleet Leaders.
*I may not start my own yoga class.
*I may not trick cute nuggets into games of “Twister” by stating Nugget Yoga 101 is required in order to successfully squeeze into a Viper cockpit.

552. I am not allowed to choose theme songs for individual crew members.
*Captain Thrace’s theme song is not “It’s Raining Men: Hallelujah!”
*Captain Agathon’s theme song is not the aforementioned “Did I ever tell you you’re my Helo…”
*Lieutenant Agathon’s theme song is neither the aforementioned “Toast!” song nor “They Don’t Make Them Like They Used To.”
*Colonel Tigh’s theme song is not “Yo Ho Yo Ho A Pirates Life for Me.”
*Mr. Gaeta’s theme song is not “Like a Virgin.”
*I may no longer play the theme song to “The Adam(a)s Family” when the Admiral and Major Adama enter the CIC.
*The Admiral and the President do NOT have a “love theme.”
*The schmaltzy one I wrote was inappropriate, and frankly made everyone nauseous.
*I may no longer play Howard Shore’s “the One Ring” theme music after hiding the Major’s ring as he looks for it frantically.
*Nor may I play “Big Girls Don’t Cry.”
*No matter how fun it was.
*My iPod is banned.

553. I am no longer to tell nuggets “You’re gonna die because you aren’t important enough to have a last name.”
*No matter how much the nuggets beg, I cannot assign last names.
*Especially not names such as the following “Stoleye,” “Hideye,” and “Smushdeye.”
*The resulting carnage when the Colonel took roll call and the fecal matter hit the rotary air impeller was not funny, and I take responsibility.
*Okay, it was funny. But it may have damaged nugget morale.
*I cannot refer to nuggets requiring temporary assistance with locomotion as a result of said carnage as “Cylon Meals on Wheels.”

554. Screaming “There’s not enough oxygen in here for all of us” in CIC was only funny once.
*Screaming it in the break room was hilarious.
*But only to Captain Thrace.
*Suggesting that the only solution was to off a few nuggets was mean.
*Especially since Captain Thrace immediately followed up on that suggestion.
*I am re-banned from the break room.

555. I may not create a Nugget Irish Dance Troupe.

556. No matter what decision the President makes, I may never point and yell “Bad Schoolteacher! BAD Schoolteacher!”

557. Cottle is not a romantic.
*I am not permitted to explain further.

558. I now realize that refitting the airlock so that it could be operated by “the Clapper: Clap on! Clap off!” even though it was for the convenience of the President, was an error.
*Especially before her last speech.
*I would like, however, to point out that if Admiral would just clap a bit more frakin’ quickly, the airlock would have “Clapped off” a millisecond after it “Clapped on.”
*Yes, I do realize that the Admiral is permitted to “bust out his signature move” whenever he frakin’ well pleases.

559. When Admiral Adama says "I'm putting the fleet back together," I am not allowed to ask how far it is to Chicago.
* Even though it's dark out.
560. I am not allowed to refer to Adama and Tigh as "Jake and Elwood"
561. I am not allowed to suggest that the top brass and upper echelons of the government put on a musical to boost morale.
* Specifically not a musical about a powerful man who is used to having everything done his way and the feisty schoolteacher who comes into his life and quickly becomes a political power.
* Especially not if the powerful man and feisty schoolteacher dance a sexually charged polka.
562. I am no longer allowed access to the "Mystical Portal to Earth Movie Musicals" library.
563. I am not allowed to send the nuggets on a Snipe Hunt.
564. I am not allowed to pin a piece of paper with the word "Snipe" printed on it onto the back of Colonel Tigh's uniform.
565. I am not allowed to say "Snipe".
567. I am not allowed to ask Helo if Sharon is "fully functional".
* I am not allowed to ask Starbuck this question about Lee.
* I am not allowed to ask Roslin this question about Adama.
* "fully functional" is on the list.
568. I am not allowed to ask Baltar if he uses L'Oreal.
569. I am not allowed to ask Six if he's "worth it".
570. The proper response to a direct order is not to add "in bed!"

561. No drawing mustaches on the photos posted on the Memory Wall.
*Even if Capt. Katraine looks frakkin' hilarious with a mustache.

562. Not allowed to organize a screening of "The Brave Little Toaster" at Hera Agathon's birthday party.
*Or it's sequel, "The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars".

563. Not allowed to ask Caprica Six to "recreate the pose on page 73".
*There is now a picture of me up on the entrance to the brig in a circle with a line through it.

564. No telling Admiral Adama "If you keep that up, your face is gonna freeze like that."

565. No wearing a shirt that says, "The Cylons Nuked Caprica, and All I Got Was this Stupid T-Shirt".

566. No more attempting to sell wristbands with the phrase "What Would Baltar Do?".

567. No farting loudly and blaming it on whoever is sitting next to me.
*Especially at one of Admiral Adama's medal-pinning ceremonies.

568. No rubbing out the survivor count and writing "Laura + Bill = Luv 4-Ever" on the whiteboard.
*I am re-re-banned from the whiteboard.

568. No, I may not set up a "crack cylon detection squad" for the purpose of watching for flashing spine-lights during intimate moments.
* Not even if ex-Pres Gaius Baltar has offered to lead the squad.

569. Not allowed to ask Viper pilots if they have ever seen a basestar with black sails, crewed by the dammed, and captained by a man so evil, Hell itself spat him back out.

570. Not allowed to ask Col. Tigh "where's the rum gone?" anymore. For the last time, He doesn't know!


571. National "dress like a pirate" day is not an official colonial holiday.

572. Not allowed to follow Racetrack around and make horny cat noises whenever Helo passes by.
* Especially in the break room.
* Absoutely not in front of Lt. Agathon.
* Not allowed to make horny cat noises ever.

573. Not allowed to deliver the President's interoffice memos in the form of paper airplanes.

574. Not allowed to put up "motivational posters" that say "Do Your Doody" all over the Galactica.
* Especially not in the head.
* Not allowed to make duty/doody jokes.

575. Not allowed to call ops planning meetings "foreplay."

576. I am not allowed to suggest accessorizing the President's Whiteboard of Extinction with the "Breadboard of Extinction".

577. I am not allowed to suggest accessorizing the President's Whiteboard of Extinction with the "Surfboard of Extinction".

588. Ditto the "Snowboard of Extinction".

589. Ditto the "NBA Scoreboard of Extinction".

590. "Headboard of Extinction" has been added to the banned list.

591. I will not engage the Cylons in theological discussions.
*Especially not Leoben.

592. The Battlestar Galactica is not a 'ride', and does not need to be 'pimped'.

593. The same applies for Colonial One, and all other ships in the Fleet.

594. I will immediately return all painting materials to Chief Tyrol, and remove the chandelier from CIC.

595. When spelling the Colonel’s name for roll call, it is also cruel and not remotely funny to explain “there is only one I in Tigh.”
* Okay, so it's also hilarious. It's still cruel.
*The letter “I” is removed from the Colonial alphabet
*’m not allowed to even thnk about sayng that the Cylons took ‘t.

596. I am no longer allowed to serve hardboiled eggs at breakfast
*Shrieking “my gods, my gods, I found it!” as I placed the Colonel’s breakfast in front of him was also cruel and not remotely funny.
*I am banned from the galley.

597. I am no longer permitted to question Baltar with “tickle torture.”
*I am re-re-re-re-rebanned from the brig
*The circled picture of me on the brig with the line through it has been replaced by a target with my picture on it
*This should, indeed, be taken as a hint
*I will research and issue a full report for Schoolteacher Roslin on the definition of “subtle hint.”
*No, the report will definitely, absolutely not mention tickle torture, Schoolteacher Roslin, and the Admiral in the same sentence.
*I will also report on the meanings of the terms “consequences” and “airlock.”

598. I will cease making a “Swooshing” noise during airlockings
*Nor may I refer to them as the "hoover maneuver."
*"Hoover Maneuver" is on the list.

599. Hotdog is not the love child of the President and the Admiral.
* Nor of the President and Doc Cottle.
* Nor Col. Tigh.
* Definitely not Dr. Baltar.
* The President has not borne anyone's love child
* "Love child" is added to the banned list.

600. Not allowed to dangle cigarettes through the vents in Dr. Baltar's cell.
* I am re-re-re-re-re-re banned from the brig.
* Marines guarding the brig now have standing orders to shoot me on sight.

601. I am not allowed to forge the President's signature on orders un-banning me from the brig.
* Nor on Executive Orders declaring any day "naked day".
* Nor to forge doodles in the margins of Quorum agendas that say "Laura Adama" or "Mrs. William Adama" or "Bill" with a puffy heart dotting the "i".
* I am now on notice that any forgery of the President's handwriting will result in me ending up on the wrong side of an airlock.

602. Not allowed to compliment Lt. Agathon on her looks by asking her if she's had a software upgrade.

603. I am not the keymaster, and I am not allowed to ask anyone if he or she is the gatekeeper.

aaaand - THEFT!
592. The Battlestar Galactica is not a 'ride', and does not need to be 'pimped'.

593. The same applies for Colonial One, and all other ships in the Fleet.

594. I will immediately return all painting materials to Chief Tyrol, and remove the chandelier from CIC.


604. I will also remove the XBox 360 I installed in Captain Thrace's Viper.
* And the sound system
* The pink leather seatcovers can stay.

605. Not allowed to make autoerotic asphyxiation jokes around Dr. Baltar, either.
* I am re-re-re-re-re-re-re-banned from the brig.
* Not allowed out of my quarters without an armed escort.
* And by that the Admiral did not mean "a hooker with a gun."
* Not allowed to bring civilians of any profession, armed or otherwise, into my quarters.
* Or the brig.

606. Not allowed to sacrifice anything to President Roslin.
* Including alcohol, small animals, or nuggets.
* No matter what Mr. Zarek said.
* No matter how much she secretly likes it.
* Especially considering how much she secretly likes it.

607. CIC is not the venue for my performance art piece.

608. If I am stupid enough to piss off Cally Tyrol, I recognize that I will get no sympathy from Dr. Cottle as he is stitching up my bite wounds.
* Nor will I deserve any.
* Suggested donation to the Nicholas Tyrol Therapy Fund: 25 cubits.

609. I may not talk about Fight Club.

610. I am advised that the curtains on my rack are NOT soundproof.
* For the love of the Gods, however, I am not allowed to mention that to Captain Thrace.

611. I may not refer to Dr. Baltar as "a wee little puppet man."
* Even if President Roslin laughs.
* I may not scream "HANDS ON THE PUPPET!" whenever someone touches him.
* Seriously, what do I not GET about the whole "banned from the brig" thing?

612 I am not allowed to get Lt. Gaeta drunk and give him a new tatoo.
*or Col. Tigh
*or Sam Anders
*or Capt. Thrace.
*not even if Capt. Thrace told me to.

613 I may not re-route the ventilation systems so that the fumes from the sewage treatment facility vent into the brig.
*no, it does not smell better than the former president.
*not even if Capt. Thrace told me so.
*I am banned from anything even remotely related to the brig.

614 I may not commit suicide by running naked through the refugee areas screaming "I'm a Cylon!"
*nor may I get nuggets to do so.
*even if Capt. Thrace told me to.
*I am now banned from any room Capt. Thrace is in.

615. After consulting with Lt. Gaeta I have been informed that trying to convince Cally that the Airlocks are, in fact, meditation rooms for young mothers will result in my being immediately thrown in the brig.
*Wait a second...
*Thrown in the brig?
*"HEY, CALLY, Come 'ere! I need to talk to you!"

616. I may not sit outside Former President Baltar's cell and pop bubble wrap all night long.
*Even if Captain Thrace says to.
*President Roslin did not steal my supply of bubble wrap.

617. I am not allowed to follow the President and the Admiral around with an accordion in order to encourage them to polka.
* Not even if Captain Thrace orders me to.

618. There is no such thing as a recipie for cylon brownies.

619. Not allowed to say “Hera today, gone tomorrow.”
*Even if the President said it first.
*Especially if the Admiral’s around.

620. Not allowed to pronounce the Admiral’s last name as “Adam-aaaaaahhhh.”
*Even if the President said it first.
*Even if the Admiral finds it amusing.
*Which he does not.
*Anymore.

621. “The President said it first” is not an acceptable excuse for anything.
*even if she did.

622. Not allowed to refer to Helo & Athena as the “Shagathons.”

623. Not allowed to ask the Admiral if the glare is bothering him.

624. Not allowed to ask Maj Adama “is it hot in here or is it just you?”
*or Capt. Agathon.
*or Lt. Gaeta.

625. Not allowed to spell Lt. Gaeta’s name “Gay-ta.”
*even if Col. Tigh did it first.

626. I will not ask Maj. Adama if he’s wearing space pants.
*even if his ass is out of this world.
*even if Capt. Thrace said it first.

627. I will no longer acknowledge the XO’s commands with an “Aye-aye.” A single “Aye” will now suffice.

628. “Squee” is not an acceptable greeting when coming upon the Admiral & President in the corridors of Galactica.
*even if they were all over each other.
*which they assured me they were not.
*no matter what I thought I saw.
*Is that what a polka looks like?