Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica

415. Not allowed to point out that the letters "XO" actually sort of resemble the upper portion of Tigh's face.
*Not even if Captain Thrace pointed it out first
*Not even if Admiral Adama laughs

416. Using the red telephone to prank call Colonial One at three in the morning wasn't funny the first time.
*The same thing goes for all prank calls.
*No matter what Admiral Cain said.

417. President Roslin did not take the admiral's pins she gave to Adama from Admiral Cain's body.
*She didn't have Billy do it, either.
*No matter what Billy said.

418. No longer allowed to start rousing, hands-in-the-air, group chants of “Air-LOCK! Air-LOCK!” when Roslin gets pissed at Baltar.
*Starting the above chant when Roslin and Adama are having a fight will only earn me some hurt later.
*As will calling the above fight a “lovers’ quarrel.”

419. I am no longer to create sassy rhyming couplets regarding Lee and Dee.
*Or Kara and Hera
*Or Tigh and his Eye
*I am not “Shakespeare to these frakkin’ colonials.” The colonials are not “lucky to have me.”
*I should not follow the Admiral and the President around reading Klingon love poetry. “Gook! Kplagh!”

420. Head-Six is not my marionette. I should not claim otherwise to Baltar.
*Asking where he currently sees her and dangling strings above that spot proves nothing.

421. Telling Caprica her “Head-Baltar” and I are having a secret affair is just mean.
*Telling her Roslin is the one having the affair with him is meaner.
*Telling her Gaeta is having the affair is both fun and condoned by the President and the Admiral.
*Telling her Gaeta killed HeadBaltar with his favorite imaginary pen is also acceptable.

422. I am no longer allowed to claim I can see HeadBaltar and HeadSix.
*Telling Tigh “HeadBaltar is touching you inappropriately! Hit him! Hit him!” is no longer welcome.
*Even if the resulting gesticulations once 'brought the CIC house down.'
*Nor may I tell Tigh all the rest of us can see HeadBaltar and HeadSix, but they always stand in his blind spot.

423. I cannot create my own “Head Nuggets” and then claim they volunteered to take my turn at CAP.

424. When the President and the Admiral are debating a difficult and complex ethical issue, I am no longer allowed to suggest they ask “the moral guardian of the fleet” and point towards Captain Agathon.
*Pointing out that a dinner meeting with both of the Agathons would allow them to not just make a decision, but toast it too, is also not allowed.

425. Not allowed to suggest to Colonel Tigh that he borrow Jupiter's eye.
* Not allowed to draw the Eye of Jupiter on Col. Tigh's eyepatch.
* Not even if Capt. Thrace did it first
426. Not allowed to hang a "Please, Disturb" sign on Baltar's cell.
* and proceed to throw suggestive glances at Gaeta
* and film the results
* brig filming is a Government monopoly
* I am re-banned from the brig
427. Not allowed to ask Gaeta if his pen is mightier than Baltar's sword
* am banned from saying the words "Gaeta" and "pen" in the same sentence
428. Not allowed to tell Capt. Agathon that he's the moral compass of the fleet
* and then ask him where his arrow points
* and then look at Lt. Agathon and say, "Oh, so that's North."
429. All copies of my book, "The A to Z of Roslin's Men," will be burned
* it needs a reprint anyway, since Adm. Adama pointed out that alphabetically he precedes Adar.
* so does Major Adama

430. I am not allowed to cough/mutter "airlock" while guarding Baltar as he's transfered to/from his cell.
* Not allowed to write the word "airlock" in Baltar's cell while he's not there.
* Not allowed to paste up pictures of airlocks anywhere Baltar might see them.
* Not allowed to get a nugget to do it either.
* Or Captain Thrace.
* Or anyone else.
* And I am re-re-rebanned from the brig.

431. I am not allowed to dare Captain Thrace to do anything. She always does it.

432. Not allowed to ask Captain Thrace, "Gods, what is your childhood trauma?"

433. Nor am I allowed to suggest that Captain Thrace needs to "spank her inner moppet."

434. Not allowed to call the D'Annas the "Xenaclons."
*Not allowed to call the Dorals the "Spacylons."
*The Sharons do not take well to being addressed as "Boom-Boom."

435. Not allowed to suggest that humanity's last defense against the Cylons might not be the best location for a bar.
*Especially if standing anywhere near Tyrol.

436. Not allowed to taunt Baltar with the writing supplies section of the Staples catalogue.
*Or ask Capt. Thrace if she has an "easy button."
*She totally does.

437. Not allowed to ask what happened to all the black market orphans.
*Or if I have to return mine.

438. Not allowed to play connect the dots on the DRADIS.
*Especially if we're under attack.

439. Not allowed to play connect the dots on Adm. Adama.
*Especially if I wish to live.

440. As my commanding officer, Admiral Adama is allowed to "leave me hanging" whenever he so chooses.

441. Not allowed to do the wave in CIC.
*Or the ready room
*Or debriefing meetings
*Especially not if Captain Thrace starts it.

442. "Giving the President a slow clap" does not refer to a type of venereal disease.
*No matter what Dr. Baltar says

443. Galactica's roof is never, in fact, on fire.
*I am to stop yelling that it is.
*Even if it were, we would, in fact, need water.
*This goes double for Colonial One.

444. President Roslin does not want to read my erotic short stories.
*Not even if they're about her.
*Not even if they're about her and Adama.
*No longer allowed to write erotic short stories.
*Or any stories, for that matter.
*My two-way mirror aboard Colonial One has been removed.

445. Not allowed to assemble a crack string quartet of nuggets and reenact that scene from Titanic during tense moments in the CIC.

446. Pointing at Petty Officer Dualla and screaming "CYYYYYLLOOOOONNNN!!!" at the top of my lungs is not appreciated.
*The same goes for Lieutenant Gaeta.

447. In case of future Cylon occupations, I will not cry out that I am being repressed.
*Even if I am, in fact, being repressed.

448. In case of future encounters with ancient temples, I will not point out, in a hushed voice, that it's only a model.

449. Ancient temples are not guarded by bunnies, killer or otherwise.

450. I am not allowed to tell the nuggets the legend of Billy Keikeya's grieving ghost, which visits terrible reproach upon unfaithful women.
*Even if the ghost actually exists.
*Which it doesn't.

451. I will not ask the Cylons what version of Windows they're running.
*The Cylons are most definitely not Macs.

452. I am no longer allowed to respond to orders from my superiors with "By your command."

453. I am no longer allowed to refer to my superiors as "Imperious Leaders".
*Unless Zarek stages a successful revolution and appoints himself Imperious Leader, in which case we won't have much of a choice now, will we?

454. I am not allowed to give any of the Cylons a fluffy white cat as a present.

455. I am not allowed to give Zarek a fluffy white cat.

456. I am most definitely not allowed to give Adama, Roslin, or Tigh fluffy white cats.

457. Even if Adama's glare is capable of starting fires, it is still not an acceptable method of roasting marshmallows.

458. I will not send Leoben love letters and write Lieutenant Thrace's name on them.

459. The Number Three models are not warrior anythings.

460. I will not ask Doctor Cottle if he is both a doctor and an escalator.

461. "The Cylon in my head told me it was God's will." is not an acceptable excuse.

462. Neither is the Doctor/President in my head.

463. Not allowed to brew beer in the starboard heating units.
*Or the port ones.
* The damage report center's heating units...have been taken under advisement.
464. May not keep my personal ice cream stash in the morgue.
*Especially not in E-6028-Keikeya.
465. Hera Agathon is not to be used to smuggle contraband of any kind into CIC.
*Neither is Nicholas Tyrol.
*Nor nuggets either.
*I am hereby banned from babysitting in my off hours.

466. Not allowed to refer to nuggets as "raider bait".

467. Not allowed to refer to the Admiral's quarters as the "Love Shack."
* Especially not during Presidential visits
* Not even if Captain Thrace says it first.

468. Not allowed to spike the President's tea with ambrosia.
* Or Tyrol's moonshine.
* Or chamalla.
* Definitely not with all of the above.
* No matter how fun it would be.
* Not even if the Admiral is looking the other way.
* Or if he requests it.
* Especially since I am banned from possession of all mind-altering substances.

469. Not allowed to slap the nuggets using the excuse "But this room is for abuse."
*Same goes for arguing, complaining, or hitting them on the head.

470. The Cylons don't care about my abattoir models.
*Even if they are nice, with the rotating knives!

471. Not allowed to burst through the door yelling, "No one expects the Cylon Inquisition!"
*Baltar doesn't find it funny
*Neither does Roslin
*Capt. Thrace does

472. Not allowed to use the Bass-O-Matic in the mess hall.
*Or the pilot's break room
*Or the officer's mess
*And, I'm banned from any break room

473. The Cylons do not have a cookbook called To Serve Man, and I am to stop telling the nuggets that they do.

474. As part of the Survival and Evasion course, I am no longer allowed to give the nuggets "noogies" or tell them that it is a Cylon torture method that they have to be able to withstand.
* Cylons also do not torture prisoners with pink bellies, swirlies, purple nurples, wet willies, or wedgies.

475. When Admiral Adama enters the bridge, the correct way to announce him is "Admiral on the bridge," not "Admiral Adizzle on the brizzle, fo' shizzle!"
* I will immediately stop using "izzle-isms."

476. I have been advised and understand that when ordered to report to Admiral Adama wearing my service dress uniform, that uniform includes pants.

476. I am no longer to pass notes between Mr. Gaeta and Dr. Baltar.
*Especially if those notes include the phrase “The back door is open. I repeat, the back door is open.”
*I am no longer to giggle whenever a “back door” strategy is suggested by Mr. Gaeta.
*I understand that comments to Mr. Baltar on Mr. Gaeta’s lovely penmanship leave Mr. Baltar crying like an infant.
*I am re-re-re-rebanned from the brig.
*Captain Thrace no longer has authority to un-ban me.

477. During briefings, I am no longer to gravely remark “The truth is out there.”
*I may no longer refer to Cottle as “Dr. Cancer Man.”

478. Admiral Adama does not now, nor will ever wish to “Get jiggy with it.”
*Neither does Colonel Tigh

479. I am no longer to explain my irrational behavior with references to a mystical podcast.
*I do not hear the voice of God through a mystical podcast.
*I am no longer to insist that the President precedes any prophesies she receives from the gods by making air quotes and stating “spoiler.”

480. I am not to answer official communication by sticking my tongue out and yelling “WassUPPPPPP?!”
*Especially not on CIC.
*Or during press conferences.

481. Nudity is never the order of the day.
*Telling Mr. Gaeta otherwise was cruel.
*Telling Dr. Cottle otherwise was crueler.
*Especially on the day of Colonel Tigh’s depth perception exam.
*Yes, I do acknowledge and accept responsibility for the fact that Colonel Tigh has now gone blind in his other eye.

482. I cannot shirk my new-pilot-training duties by telling the nuggets they simply “use the force.”

483. Stacking nuggets into various shapes is not an acceptable alternative game of Pyramid.

484. I must refrain from providing alternate definitions of the following to the nuggets: “XO,” “CIC,” “back door plan,” “debrief,” “ECO,” “Gaeta,” or “meeting between the President and the Admiral.”

485. Not allowed to follow Col. Tigh around adding "Arr, matey" to each of his sentences.
*When told to stop, not allowed to claim that it's the best way to help him deal with his new affliction.
*Or that it was the President's idea.
*Or Doc Cottle's.
*Claiming that it was Capt. Thrace's, however, is okay.

486. I may not entitle Volume 5 of my memoirs The Electric Baltar Acid Test.
* I am, in fact, strongly discouraged from writing my memoirs.
* Or including classified information.
* My list of after-hours visitors to Colonial One is hereby declared to be classified information.
487. I am re-re-re-re-rebanned from the brig.
* I am not allowed to use classified information to encourage President Roslin to un-ban me.
* Again.
488. Colonel Tigh is not a "sexy bitch."

489 I am not to spread unprocessed waste from the treatment facility between 2 pieces of algae-bread and try to convince the nuggets to eat it.
*even if it does taste better than algae-bread alone.
*even if Capt. Thrace said, "... and everybody's got to take a bite."
*I am banned from the galley.

490 I may not tap out the message "Airlock Time" in morse code on the wall adjoining the brig.
*I am banned from everything in the general vicinity of the brig.

491 "I had about 12 ambrosias over the last hour" is not an excuse for barfing on the President's shoes.
*or Adm. Adama's.
*it will work with Capt. Thrace, though.

492. Not allowed to place cigarettes on the floor of the brig just out of Dr. Baltar's reach.
*Nor am I allowed to hang cigarettes from the ceiling so that they hang just over his head.
*Nor am I allowed to refer to this activity as "Project Codename: Tantalus".
*I am re-re-re-re-re-rebanned from the brig.
*Yes, "for real" this time.
493. Not allowed to sing "The Pirates That Don't Do Anything".
*Or "The Pilots That Don't Do Anything".
494. Not allowed to play "Red Light, Green Light" while flying CAP.
*Or to play "Red Rover, Red Rover".
495. Reincarnation has no effect on the chain of command.
496. Not allowed to go around claiming areas of the ship as mine.
*No, not even if I brought a flag.
*Regardless of whatever "rules I just made up now".
497. Not allowed to sidle up to Captain Agathon and whisper in a confiding tone of voice that his wife looked "awfully cosy" with the data processing computer.
*Or with the computers in the CIC.
*Or with any major appliances.
*Or with any minor appliances.

498. Not allowed to give the nuggets nicknames like, "BBQ", "Honey Mustard", or "No Trans Fats".
*Especially not "All-White Meat".
*Not even if Capt. Thrace likes that for Apollo.
*Not even if he likes it.
*Gaeta might like it.

499. I am not to discuss Roslin and Adar’s affair with anyone.
*Even the Admiral
*Especially the Admiral
*I am not to punch the Admiral in the arm and state “So maybe you’ve got a shot, big guy!”
*I am not to tell the President that the Admiral referred to her ex as “a moron.”
*I cannot suggest to President Roslin that Captain Thrace probably had an affair with President Adar as well.
*Even though she did.

500. I cannot order the nuggets on a mission to find me a hot fudge planet.
*If I do, there must be enough for everyone.

501. In reference to a note above, “Set Condition One” is an acceptable emergency announcement. “Spoiler alert” is not.

502. Presidential polls are not referred to as “ratings.”
*And I cannot suggest the numbers would go up if there was some action between the President and the Vice-President.
*Even if the Vice-President bribed me with black market goods.

503. “If Baltar was still president, he’d know what to do” will only get me airlocked.

504. The ship intercom may not be used for subliminal messages.
*Including “mmm … nuggets … tasty … fill Cylon tummies … Watch out … Lieutenant Agathon is coming, little nuggets …”
*Including “Gaeta found a new pen … and he’s coming for you … he’s coming … he’s right outside your cell … run! Run! You can’t run!”
*Including “Adama and Roslin, sittin’ in a tree …”
*Including singing “and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night/And he’s watchin’ us all in the eye of the tiger” when Colonel Tigh is walking behind Mr. Gaeta.
*And especially not the following Bob and Tom song:

all around the country coast to coast,
people always say what do you like most,
I don't wanna brag i don't wanna boast,
I always tell 'em I like toast.

yeah TOAST yeah TOAST

i get up in the mornin' bout six AM,
have a little jelly have a little jam,
take a piece of bread put it in the slot,
push down the lever and the wires gets hot,
i get toast.

yeah TOAST yeah TOAST

now there's no secret to toasting perfection,
there's a dial on the side and you make your selection,
push to the dark or the light and then,
if it pops too soon press down again,
make toast.

yeah TOAST yeah TOAST

when the first caveman drove in from the drags,
didn't know what would go with the bacon and the eggs,
must have been a genius got it in his head,
plug the toaster in the wall,
buy a bag of bread,
make toast.

yeah TOAST yeah TOAST

oui monsieur bonjour coquette,
uh huh croissante vous a ver,
maurice chevalier effeil tower,
oh oui maria bagette bon soir,

FRENCH TOAST FRENCH TOAST

505. I will not take model ships from the Wardroom to make myself a mobile.
* Nor am I allowed to steal Hera’s.

506. My “Behold the Power of Algae” campaign is not going to make anyone happier about eating it.

507. The fact that guns don’t make noise in space does not mean that I have to make my own sound effects.

508. Tyrol is not a socialist revolutionary and I should stop calling him Trotsky.
* Especially now that the beard is gone.

509. I may not organize a rescue mission to find my keys I left on New Caprica.

510. I should stop asking President Roslin for help with my math homework.

511. Although it was a thoughtful gift idea, President Roslin does not need a remote control for the airlock.

512. I am not allowed to develop, write, produce, direct or star in my own reality show.
* The production of “The Real World: Galactica” is to cease and desist immediately.
* The same goes for “Survivor: New Caprica.”
* And “Who Wants to be a Viper Pilot?”

513. Not allowed to produce "Colonial Idol".
* Chief Tyrol, President Roslin, and Col. Tigh have NOT agreed to judge the contest, which is not happening.

514. There is no such thing as "Colonial Scout Cookies," and I may not send nuggets hatch-to-hatch selling them.

515. I am not allowed to say "Oy, vey, mein Gaius ist mershuggeneh," because "Gaius" is not a Yiddish word.
* even though he is totally totally mershuggeneh.
516. I am not allowed to call Starbuck "Destiny's Child"
517. I am not allowed to use the flight deck as a bar... oh, wait, yes I am.
515. Background is not allowed to murmur "rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb" because the Colonies did not have rhubarb.
*They can't murmur "algae" either.
516. I am not allowed to refer to Commander and Admiral Adama as "The A-Team".
*not even as a sideways reference to Dirk Benedict.
517. Female viper pilots are not cheerleaders.
* Neither are male viper pilots.
518. I am not allowed to point at Roslin and Adama and shout "STAND WITH A FIST AND DELIVER!"
* Nor may I ask if they're still bitter about losing at the Oscars.
519. I am not allowed to write limericks about the man from Aerelon on Roslin's Dry Erase Board.
520. Chief does not enjoy waking up wearing a headband full of feathers.
521. I am not allowed to invite pilots to play "Raptors vs. Vipers" in a game of "Space-Pong"
522. I am not allowed to open airlocks to clean my throwrugs.
523. I am not allowed to draw glasses and moustaches on the viper pilots' faceguards.
524. I am not allowed to go to costume parties as "a Cylon - they look just like everybody else".
*or as Roslin
525. I am not allowed to start SitRep with "Dear Penthouse..."
526. "The Old Fart" is not a better nickname than "The Old Man"
*even if the blooper reels tell us otherwise
527. I am not allowed to run for President against Roslin with the slogan "Girls are Stupider than Boys"
528. "Cruisin' for chicks" is not an acceptable reason to requisition a viper.
529. Colonial Day is not best celebrated naked and high.
530. I am not allowed to put a photo of the President and the Admiral, labeled "Roslin-Adama Relationship", on the Wall of the Missing.
531. I am not allowed to end each mission briefing with "ibideh-ibideh-ibideh That's ALL, folks!"
532. "Sharks with frickin' lasers on their heads" are not standard fleet issue.
533. When the Admiral asks for suggestions in a strategy meeting, I am not allowed to shout "KEGGER!"
534. "Salamander" is not a cute nickname for Sam Anders.
*neither is "Samantha"
*or "Smanders"
535. I am not allowed to make jokes about Helo going to the "Boom-Boom Room"

536. No matter how low my morale is, I will not suddenly drop whatever I'm doing and loudly proclaim that I never wanted to be aboard the Galactica and that I, in fact, wanted to be a lumberjack.

537. I will not suggest abandoning the quest for Earth, especially on the grounds of "let's not go to Earth. It's a silly place."

538. I will stay away from the President's stash.

539. I will stay away from the Admiral's stash.

540. There are no stashes.

541. There are no computer networks allowed aboard the Galactica. There are no exceptions for CounterStrike tournaments.
*Considering that the human race consists of less than 50 000 people, most MMORPG's are out of the window too.

542. I am no longer allowed to try to hook Lieutenant Gaeta on CounterStrike, or introduce him to any other forms of electronic gaming.

543. The above rule is becaue Lieutenant Gaeta has better things to do with his time, and not because the rest of the Fleet ph3ars his l33t sk1llz.

544. Trying to run computer games off of Cylon prisoners is not allowed.

545. Trying to run computer games off of Cylon crewmembers is definitely not allowed.

546. Trying to run computer games off of half-Cylon babies is extremely not allowed.

547. I am banned from all things electronic and/or computerized.

548. The nuggets are not building materials.

549. I am not allowed to ask the President if she stayed away from the Admiral's 'stache during the stay on New Caprica.
550. I am not allowed to ask the President anything.
551. I am not allowed within five hundred yards of the President.