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 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica

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Lawless

Lawless


Number of posts : 4788
Age : 53
Where I am : SUN Diego
Reputation : 10
Registration date : 2007-01-24

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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:21 pm

225. I am not allowed to hide Major Adama's wedding ring.
*Again
*Especially in Starbucks rack
226. Not allowed to create posters from Major Adama's towel malfunction & sell to the public.
227. It is not funny to refer to myself as the omnipotent Number One.
228. Not allowed to advertise Lt. Thrace's bunk as the 'A little slice of Prometheus aboard Galactica...no charge'
*Even if her husband made the joke first
*Especially if Major Adama is within earshot
229. It is not funny to follow around Sam Anders repeating that 'Resistance is futile'
230. "Shut the Frak Up...Next" is not adequate PTSD treatment
*Even if the CAG is the one whining
*Or if Starbuck is holding any sharp objects
231. Not allowed to name my Quadruplets Sharon, Deanna, Simon, & Leoban.
*We are not a musical group called the 'Cylon Family Singers'
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Lawless

Lawless


Number of posts : 4788
Age : 53
Where I am : SUN Diego
Reputation : 10
Registration date : 2007-01-24

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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:22 pm

232. I am not a sex machine.
233. Everybody does not do it.
234. There is no such position as the Minister of Masturbation.
* Or Secretary of S&M.
* I do not hold any position in the President's cabinet.
* I will not giggle when a superior officer uses "position" and "president" in the same sentence.
235. I am not 12 years old.
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Lawless

Lawless


Number of posts : 4788
Age : 53
Where I am : SUN Diego
Reputation : 10
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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:22 pm

236. Not allowed to sing "The Ball on Virgon" on duty.
* Or "Fire Down Below."
* Not allowed to sing either in front of the President.
* Or anywhere.
* Or reward nuggets for coming up with new verses.
237. The Cylon virus is not sexually transmitted.
* I will get exactly what I deserve for saying that in front of Captain Agathon.
* Or Colonel Tigh.
238. Until further notice, not allowed to speak to Colonel Tigh.
239. What happens in the showers does not stay in the showers.
240. Not allowed to taunt the Marines.
241. The Cylon agent betting pool has hereby been shut down.
* As has the "next person to sleep with a Cylon" pool.
* As has the nugget death pool.
* As has the Thrace/Anders/Adama/Dualla relationship breakdown pool.
* As has the "who's the President frakking?" pool.
242. President Roslin has not "had it with these motherfrakking snakes on her motherfrakking podium."
243. I am allowed eight days off per year for religious observances.
* I must clear these days at least one week in advance.
* "Oh gods, oh gods, we're all gonna die" is not a religious observance.
* An extra four hours' sleep is not a religious observance.
* Alcohol-fueled bunkroom orgies are not a religious observance.
* Or allowed.
244. It is better to ask permission than to beg forgiveness.
* No matter what Captain Thrace does.
* In general, Captain Thrace is a poor role model.
245. If I mention D'Anna Biers to the press, I deserve whatever picture they run.
246. Not allowed to start a porn business.
* Not allowed to take over Lieutenant Gaeta's porn business now he's in hack.
* If he had a porn business.
* Which he didn't.
247. Not allowed to start a rock band, either.
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Lawless

Lawless


Number of posts : 4788
Age : 53
Where I am : SUN Diego
Reputation : 10
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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:22 pm

248. There is nothing living in my locker.
*If there is, I had better let it go.
249. I am not taking any medication.
*If I am, I am not allowed to sell it to anyone.
*Or offer to share it.
*Especially with former President Baltar.
250. There is no such thing as "patriotic" porn.
*No matter what Captain Thrace says.
*No matter what anyone says.
*It's still not allowed.
251. Not allowed to ask Joe the bartender if he knows how to make a "Screaming Orgasm".
*Or ask Major Adama.
*Or ask Chief Tyrol.
*Or ask Sam Anders.
*Or ask Captain Thrace.
*Or ask Lt. Dualla.
*Or ask Specialist Cally.
*It's cola and peppermint ambroisia, drunk before it frothes. Now shut up.
252. I do not have a personal theme song.
*Neither does anyone else.
*No, not even if it's "really kickass".
*Not allowed to follow anyone around and sing, hum, whistle, tap, or otherwise perform theme songs.
*Not even if they appear to enjoy it.
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Lawless

Lawless


Number of posts : 4788
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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:22 pm

253. I am not the Lord of the (Kobol) Dance.
254. Any lab table is not an advisable or sanitary place for conjugal relations.
*Not even if For. Pres. Baltar has done it before.
*Because For. Pres. Baltar did it before.
255. Grenades are not for recreational use.
256. Not allowed to make my own fireworks.
*Or sell them.
*Especially to nuggets.
257. Not allowed to make autoerotic asphyxiation jokes around Maj. Adama.
258. Not allowed to show Spec. Cally my new children's toy, "Joey The Happy Celery."
*Or make it talk.
259. No longer allowed to tell nuggets the legend of the radioactive mutant deckhand ghost who haunts launch tube C.
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Lawless

Lawless


Number of posts : 4788
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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:22 pm

260. Not allowed to speculate about what the President may or may not have been doing in her spare time on New Caprica.
* Not allowed to speculate about who the President may or may not have been doing in her spare time on New Caprica.
* Not allowed to corroborate my theory by plying her former next-door neighbors with alcohol until they start talking.
* Not allowed to share my findings.
* With anyone.
* See above re. the phrase "naughty schoolteacher."
* See above re. the phrase "New Caprican loco weed."
* See above re. the phrase "the President's baby mama."
* See above re. President Roslin always overhearing.
261. There is no crying in Pyramid.
262. There is at least a 50% chance that I do not get "that time of the month."
* Even if I do, "blowing shit up" is not a recognized treatment.
263. Major Adama does not frak hookers.
* Any more.
* Those claiming that Captain Thrace doesn't count because "hookers get paid" should check first to make sure the doors are closed.
264. Did I mention how not-allowed I am to talk about Admiral Cain?
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Lawless

Lawless


Number of posts : 4788
Age : 53
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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:23 pm

265. Not allowed to reinact conversations I have heard with sock puppets.
*Or conversations I have heard on the wireless.
*Or conversations I have overheard, in person or on the wireless.
*The same goes double if the conversation is, in fact, fictional.
*I am no longer allowed to have sock puppets.
266. "That's what you think" is not an appropriate response during a briefing.
267. I am not an interpretor for the deaf.
*Even if I was, the CAG has no need of my services.
*Neither does Admiral Adama.
*Neither does President Roslin.
268. Not allowed to practice juggling in the CIC.
269. Not allowed to practice fire-eating in the CIC.
270. Not allowed to practice acrobatic tricks in the CIC.
271. I do not descend from a "proud line of circus folk".
272. Not allowed to send love notes to my superiors.
*Especially if they are addressed as if from someone else.
273. Not allowed to breakdance in the CIC.
*Or in the hanger deck.
*Or in the briefing room.
*Or in the hallways.
*Or encourage others to do so.
274. Not allowed to do keg stands.
*Or encourage others to do so.
*Regardless of how drunk they are.
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Lawless

Lawless


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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:23 pm

275. I am not allowed to refer to Agathon fornication as "uploading".
* Not even if Capt. Thrace said it first.
* Also not allowed to sing "Did you ever know that you're my Helo?" ever.
276. The acceptable title is "Gunnery Sargent" or, in casual conversation, "Gunny" may be used. I'm not allowed refer to anyone as "Nunnery Sargent" ever again.
* Not even if the Chief said it first.
277. I will not post "No Smoking" signs in the infirmary.
* The hallway will be considered part of the infirmary.
* The door is part of the infirmary, too.
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Lawless

Lawless


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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:23 pm

278. Not allowed to spell it "T_gh" and say "They stomped the eye flat! Right in front of him!" This is not an acceptable workaround to rule #3.
279. Not allowed to order Nuggets to "get" "nugs" and claim that is the reason for the nickname, because they ... It's a cruel trick, and not at all funny.
* Should not exclaim "You should KNOW where the nugs are!" when someone else has played this on a Nugget.
* (But it is a bit funny if you can get one looking for a "nug".)
* And not allowed to state "They're in my pants."
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Lawless

Lawless


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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:23 pm

280. Not allowed to follow President Roslin and Admiral Adama around with a violin.
* or a bottle of ambrosia
* or a copy of the Kama Sutra.
* Not allowed to follow the President and the Admiral at all.
281. A wet T-shirt contest is not a traditional way to celebrate Colonial Day.
* neither is an orgy.
282. Not allowed to tell Tom Zarek that he looks like an old Apollo.
283. Not allowed to tell Hera Agathon the toaster in the galley is her sister.
284. Not allowed to ask President Roslin if she can "hook a brother up"
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Lawless

Lawless


Number of posts : 4788
Age : 53
Where I am : SUN Diego
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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:23 pm

285. Not allowed to form a fraternity/sorority.
286. Not allowed to start a cult.
287. It is not a tumor.
288. I do not need chamalla extract for "medicinal purposes".
*The same goes for alcohol.
289. The Pegasus has not returned to haunt the Fleet as a ghost ship.
*Neither has the Cloud Nine.
*Neither has the Olympic Carrier.
*There is no such thing as ghost ships, I have never seen one, and I am to refrain from saying otherwise.
290. I am not a licensed organ dealer.
*Getting a civilian drunk and ensuring he woke up in a tub of ice with a note on his chest urging him to go to the infirmary was not funny the first time.
*Neither is it funny with nuggets.
291. Not allowed to start a daycare center.
*Not allowed to start a "Gentleman's Club".
*Definitely not any combination of the two.
292. Not allowed to stockpile weapons or ammunitions.
*No, not even for the impending zombie uprising.
*There is no impending zombie uprising, and I am to refrain from saying otherwise.
293. "In the name of science" is never a valid excuse.
*No matter what Dr. Baltar says.
*No matter what Dr. Cottle says.
*No matter what Lt. Gaeta says.
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Lawless

Lawless


Number of posts : 4788
Age : 53
Where I am : SUN Diego
Reputation : 10
Registration date : 2007-01-24

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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:23 pm

294. Not allowed to approach any captive-or-otherwise Six model Cylon and state any variation of "And I'm Nine ..." "Six? Nine!" or "You're surely Ten!" or any other sexual/attractual numerical wordplay.
*Not even if anyone else did it first. Right up to president Roslin. Especially her.
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Lawless

Lawless


Number of posts : 4788
Age : 53
Where I am : SUN Diego
Reputation : 10
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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:24 pm

295. Not allowed to jump rope in the hallways.
*Or pogo stick in the hallways.
*Or roller skate in the hallways.
*Or set up a trampoline in the hallways.
296. Not allowed to incessantly sing "Lovely Bunch of Coconuts".
*It is up to my superiors to dictate what "incessantly" means.
*In this case, it means "ever".
*The phrase "lovely bunch of coconuts" is hereby added to the banned list.
297. If at any time I am too ill to report for my duties, I need to procure official documentation stating thus with a signature from an authorized medical personnel.
*Dr. Baltar is not an authorized medical personnel.
*Especially not if he's faking Dr. Cottle's signature.
*Or Nurse Ishay's.
298. Not allowed to ask Lt. Agathon if she remembered to register her software.
299. No longer allowed to have in my possession at any time: sticky tack, yo-yos, slinkies, party hats, knitting needles, bouncy balls, clackers, whoopie cushions, hand buzzers, or especially colorful pinwheels.
300. Not allowed to sing "Song That Never Ends".
*Or trick nuggets into singing it.
301. Not allowed to make Dr. Baltar cry.
*Not on purpose, at least.
*Definitely not allowed to keep score.
*Or brag about my score.
*Or place bets regarding my score.
*No, not because "that's President Roslin's job".
*And aren't I not allowed in the brig anyways?
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Lawless

Lawless


Number of posts : 4788
Age : 53
Where I am : SUN Diego
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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:24 pm

302. "Our glowing, smoking, crumbled former home." is not an acceptable replacement for Auld Lang Signe.
303. Trying to organize algae wrestling matches after doing ambrosia bongs will only end up with someone getting hurt.
*and messy
*and sweaty
*and frisky
*I did too turn over all the negatives. Almost all.
304. I am not allowed to suggest fiber supplements in response to Admiral Adama's glare.
*Ow. Cottle says I'm healing well
*hellava right hook on the old guy
305. There is no reason for trying to "get my naked men back" from the showers.
*or to hide their towels
*or to steal their clothing
*I want that camera back!
306. Sending out that pamphlet declaring amnesty for all naked Cylons was a bad idea.
*as was looking directly at naked Cottle
307. When Capt. Agathon gives me an order the correct response is, "Yes, Sir." not "Will you be my candyman."
308. Snapping the strap on Tigh's eyepatch is both cruel and discourteous.
*Even if it bizarrely acted like a slingshot
*Spinning him by the strap is also heavily frowned upon
*even when he gets impressive air
309. Am not allowed to chant, "It's funny now, just wait until someone loses an eye." in a shrill sing-song voice under my breath while following Tigh around anymore.
310. I am not allowed to sneak around in the dead of night, taping extra corners to octagonal shapes.
*Or to start anymore movements called "Demand Squares"
*Or any variations thereof
*Turns out that is not the shape of things to come
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Lawless

Lawless


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Age : 53
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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:24 pm

311. While working in the Galactica's print shop, I will not add questions to public opinion polls about President's sexual preferences.
* The President doesn't even own a whip.
* The President has never tied anyone to her bed.
* Or her desk.
* No, it doesn't matter what rumors I heard about her and Adar.

312. When the CAG indicated the Admiral was "hot" over the printing prank, he meant angry.
* Never to mention, hint at, or joke to CAG about Admiral's sex life.
* Or President's sex life.
* Even if Captain Thrace did it first.

313. The phrase "Commander in Chief" does not give the President booty call privileges and I will not tell the nuggets otherwise.
* Even if it has helped recruitment.

314. If one more nugget shows up on Colonial One with "Love Slave" written across his or her chest in bright red lipstick, Tory Foster has permission to hurt me.
* But not with the President's whip, which does not exist.

315. The following phrases are added to the banned list: "Mistress of Education," "President's whipping boy," "President's whipping girl" and "It's your duty, give the President that booty."
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Lawless

Lawless


Number of posts : 4788
Age : 53
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316. Not allowed to practice my maniacal laughter over the comms.
*Or the fleetwide wireless.
*I know damn well what constitutes "maniacal laughter".
317. Not allowed to stage paintball tournaments.
318. Not allowed to shoot at the CAG's Viper during training exercises.
319. Not allowed to refer to planetside missions as "field trips".
*No, not even if the President is going.
320. That is not an appropriate usage of a staple gun.
*Or a hot glue gun.
*Or a fire extinguisher.
*Or a flamethrower.
321. Unless explicitly instructed otherwise by a superior officer, I am not allowed to superglue anything to anything.
*Or anyone to anyone.
*Or anything to anyone, and this makes three times I've been told to stay out of the brig now.
*It doesn't matter that the hair will grow back.
*Probably.
*In this case, Captain Thrace does not count as my superior officer.
322. Not allowed to start tabloid newspapers.
323. Not allowed to start poetry slam nights.
324. Not allowed to start a community theatre group.
325. Not allowed to engage in LARPing.
*Especially if I am RPing as someone who actually exists.
326. As of this moment there are no registered hermaphrodites anywhere in the crew of Galactica, and I am to refrain from spreading rumors to the contrary.
*The same goes for eunuchs.
327. Not allowed to start trading card frenzies.
328. Not allowed to wear my uniform backwards.
329. Not allowed to wear a grass skirt.
*Or a lei.
*Or a coconut bra.
330. Not allowed to respond to an order with "yes, my liege."
*Or "yes, your majesty".
*Or "yes, your grace".
*Or "yes, my queen."
*Especially if the individual giving the order is not, in fact, a female.
331. There is no such thing as a brain slug.
332. That is not an appropriate usage of a cucumber.
333. "Cut that out right now" is not a subjective statement, it is an order.
334. No longer allowed to use the following series of numbers as a password or combination to anything: 4 8 15 16 23 42
335. Not allowed to refer to the nuggets as "cannon fodder".
336. Not allowed to get the nuggets to wear red shirts over their uniforms.
*Or under their uniforms.
337. There is no casual dress workday aboard Galactica.
*I am not allowed to start one.
*No matter how many signatures I can get on my petition.
338. Not allowed to play ultimate frisbee.
339. Not allowed to play capture the flag.
*Or the "fun new alternative", capture the CAG.
340. The Cylons did not probe me anally.
*If they did, no one wants to hear about it.
*Especially not the President.
341. Not allowed to challenge superior officers to duels.
342. Not allowed to "air guitar" while on duty.
*Or "air drum".
*Or "air keyboard".
*Or "air glockenspiel".
343. Not allowed to start random slow claps.
*Yes, that is the Admiral's job.
344. Not allowed to ask people whether they want the red pill or the blue pill.
*Especially if I actually offer them a red pill and a blue pill.
*No, not even if they're really just jelly beans.
345. I am not a licensed forklift operator.
346. We do not serve "see food" in the mess, and that joke stopped being funny in primary school.
347. Not allowed to bring drinks into the CIC because of the mess that results when they invariably spill over the keyboards.
*As I should be well aware.
*For the fifth time now.
348. The proper response to a direct order is not "why?"
*Nor is it "make me".
349. There are no fish in the starboard water tank.
*Or the port water tank.
*And I am not allowed to add any.
350. Not allowed to play "Pin the Tail on the XO".
*Or "on the ECO".
*Or "on the CAG".
*Or "on the Cally".
*Or "on the Baltar".
*It doesn't matter that the last one was actually the nuggets; where do I think they got the idea from?
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Lawless

Lawless


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PostSubject: Re: Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica   Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica - Page 2 Icon_minitimeFri Mar 09, 2007 7:24 pm

351. “But he won’t hurt anyone, he has a SOUL now!” will not stop President Roslin from airlocking a Toaster.
*President Roslin may airlock me if I use the above phrase.
*Claiming Jane Espenson made me say is not a “get out of airlock free” card.
*Suggesting that Hera’s blood may yet turn the President into “Roslin, the Cylon Slayer” will not score me any points.

352. Colonel Tigh accepts salutes ONLY in greeting. Pinching his as* just won’t do.
*Referring to Colonel Tigh as “Colonel Tight-as*” while offering above pinch is also unacceptable.

353. “Maybe if the Admiral hadn’t been high and cuddling with the President…” is not an acceptable explanation for the occupation.
*If any cuddling is mentioned, Roslin, and not Balter, must be specified as the President in question.
*I am not allowed to picture Admiral Adama cuddling Baltar.
*If I suggest any cuddling went on between the Admiral and Baltar, Roslin will have all three of us airlocked. It’s really the only thing to do.
*Captain Thrace does NOT cuddle. Don’t try. Especially during briefings.

354. The above cuddling between the President and the Admiral does not mean they have anything other than a purely professional relationship.
*Neither does the President’s recent nap in the Admiral’s rack.
*The phrase “the President’s rack” is not funny or acceptable. We aren’t twelve here, nuggets.

355. I am not allowed to try to convince Colonel Tigh that his dead wife is speaking through me.
*I may not call the supposed voice “Head-Ellen.”
*I may not suggest to Colonel Tigh that his wife may return to him if he does the mystical dance of the Colonel’s funky chicken.
*I must not ever, ever picture Colonel Tigh doing the dance of the Colonel’s funky chicken. Especially during briefings.
*I must never mention chicken nuggets in front of new pilot recruits.
*Popping a few chicken nuggets inside my mum’s old silver toaster is not an acceptable visual aide during a “Here’s our plan” briefing for the new recruits.
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Lawless

Lawless


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356. Not allowed to hand the Agathons a bottle of WD-40 with the admonition: "You two kids go have yourselves some fun, now."

357. Not allowed to say "Me love you long time" to Lt. Thrace.
*Or Lt. Dualla
*Or Tory Foster
*Especially not to President Roslin
*"Me love you long time" is hereby added to the banned list.
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358. Not allowed to hand the Agathons virus protection software and call it "flu immunization".
359. Not allowed to teach Hera how to use airlock.
360. Not allowed to tie-dye the gray tank tops
361. That is not an appropriate use of the helium
*Or Nitrogen
*Or any other gas
362. Not allowed to use Slip 'N Slide in hangar
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363. No longer allowed to use god-puppets from Captain Thrace’s locker to cast spooky shadows in Colonial One to make the President think she’s having a “vision.”
*The god-puppets vision regarding the Shepherd, the Viper Pilot, the Vulcan, and the lollipop was especially uncalled for.

364. No longer allowed to record appointments between the Admiral and the President as “Senior Sexcapades” in the official logbook
*Even if both Tory and Tigh nodded knowingly and Captain Thrace got the giggles.
*If they are recorded as such, clarification regarding the invite must be made. The Vice President showed up and seemed so hopeful last time. It was heartbreaking.
*I can no longer create airlock graffiti of the last incident.
*Especially when President Roslin is standing near the red button.

367. Despite that incident in the hallway, the CAG is no longer to be referred to as “Major Frodo.”
*I may also not refer to Cottle as “Doc Gandalf.”
*Gaeta is NOT an elf.

368. “Post-Resurrection Trauma” is not a valid excuse for sick leave.
*Screaming in a bubble bath convinces no one.
*I am not allowed to draw a bubble bath in the Admiral’s quarters. Ever. Again.

369. Nugget initiation by stealing the CAG’s towel must cease immediately. Seriously.
*Unless part of the Presidential welcome ceremony.

370. I am no longer allowed to hyphenate Captain Thrace’s name to “Captain Thrace-Adama-Baltar-Anders-Leoben-Adama.”
*Especially when the rest of the message follows: “A missile will collide with your vessel in two seconds. Take evasive maneuvers.
*President Roslin-Adar-Adama-Zarek-Adama-we-don’t-know-about-Billy is likewise not amused.

371. I can no longer ask Lieutenant Agathon to be a go-between when I have trouble with major appliances.
*Lieutenant Agathon is not a “Coffee Machine Whisperer”
*Even if I think I’m getting a migraine
*She is also not a source of spare parts for my coffee machine

372. All songs initially sung with the word “Hero” in them are hereby banned within 20 yards of the Fighting Agathons
*Especially Mariah Carey or Bette Midler songs
*See above re “Did I ever tell you you’re my Helo.”
*”You had me at Helo. You had me at Helo.” is also banned.

373. I cannot plug my laptop into Hera.
*Even if the battery is about to die.
*I cannot “borrow” her to replace my Viper battery.

374. If I see Gaeta glaring at Colonel Tigh, I cannot offer him a pen and “see what happens.”
*You can poke an(other) eye out with those things.

375. A glower from the Admiral cannot be alleviated with an offering of Metamucil.
376. The Admiral, The Vice President, and the President’s relationships cannot be explained by substituting in characters from “Dawson’s Creek.”
*Likewise regarding Lee, Dee, Kara, & Anders and the show “Passions.”
*I am not a soap star.
*I am not a porn star.
*I am not allowed to ask Anders or Apollo to costar in any video ventures.
*Captain Thrace and Major Apollo’s relationship may also not be explained by “OK, imagine if Han Solo slept with Luke Skywalker.”

377. “Awww,” is not an acceptable reaction when the President and Admiral walk into a room together.
*The same goes for Baltar and Gaeta.
*Or Tigh and Cottle.

378. Tigh and Cottle are not willing to read scenes from “Grumpy Old Men” for the nuggets’ bedtime stories.

379. I may no longer tell the new recruits that the morgue is the “Nugget Processing Facility.”
*Nor that they must coat themselves in a thin layer of peanut oil and rice flour before going on missions behind toaster lines.
*None of this has anything to do with what that algae is really made of.
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380. Not allowed to play fleet's smallest violin whenever Capt. Agathon walks by.
*Or Maj. Adama.
*Or Capt. Thrace.
*Not allowed to own string instruments any more.
* Miniature or otherwise.
381. Not allowed to sock the XO in his good eye.
*Or the other one either.
*"Capt. Agathon did it first" is not an appropriate rationale.
*"Capt. Thrace did it first" is DEFINITELY not an appropriate rationale.
382. Not allowed to mix in pink civvies with Lt. Agathon's delicates cycle.
*Not allowed to ponder other meanings of "Lt. Agathon's delicates cycle."
*Especially not out loud.
383. Sagittarons do not have cooties.
384. Not allowed to run around Starboard Side Civilian Encampment dressed in a sheet, labeled "Angel of Death" making "Woooooo" noises.
*Not allowed to run around ANYWHERE making "Wooooo" noises.
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385. "Stop me before I kill again" is not a valid excuse for sick leave.
*And really not funny to say in front of the civilians.
*Or the press.
*Or the nuggets.
386. My superior officers cannot be warded off with holy symbols.
*Or good luck charms.
*Or offerings of liquor.
*Alright, fine, offerings of liquor. But it's still not right.
387. The "Who's Frakking/Frakked/Wants to Frak/Dating/Dated/Married to/Sexually Obsessed With Who" flowchart really needs to come down.
*Even if the nuggets find it "supremely handy".
388. Even if I have a womb, I am not allowed to offer "temporary use" of it to the Admiral and his XO.
*Or the XO and Dr. Cottle.
*Or Lt. Gaeta and Dr. Baltar.
*Not allowed to offer anyone else's womb either.
389. The fact that whenever Dr. Baltar says "cruel and unusual punishment" lately he is usually referring directly to me is not something to be proud of.
*No matter what Captain Thrace says.
390. I have not been authorized to "bring in da funk, bring in da noise".
391. Not allowed to replace the mirror in the pilots' showers with a two-way one.
*Or the mirror in the CAG's shower.
*Or the mirror in the Agathons' shower.
*Or the mirror in the Colonial One bathroom.
*Not allowed to replace anyone's mirror with a two-way one.
*Especially for the purpose of singing "The Angel of Music".
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392. There is no such thing as an Agathong.
393. The phrase “bun in the toaster oven” was not funny while Lt. Agathon was pregnant, and is not funny now.
394. A group of nuggets is not called a Happy Meal.
* Nor does it come with fries and a drink.
395. The chain of command is not organized by hotness.
* I am allowed to start this practice.
396. The voices in my head cannot overrule direct orders.
* Nor can my Magic Eight Ball.
* Or my imaginary friends.
397. Slavery is illegal.
* Yes, nuggets count.
* As do civvies.
398. I will not giggle incessantly every time the President asks Admiral Adama to debrief her.
* The word debrief is hereby added to the list.
399. If I choose to chew bubble gum on CAP I will clean the inside of my helmet myself.
400. I will not put on full flight gear and then decide I need to use the bathroom.
401. I am not authorized to sell planets, moons or other celestial bodies.
402. No one wants to see my magic tricks.
403. I will not insert a laugh track into combat training videos.
* Or Presidential speeches.
* Even if people are laughing anyways.
404. No, we are not there yet.
* I will not ask again.
* Ever.
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405. Making balloon animals is not an appropriate usage of time during training exercises.
*Or of time during briefings.
*Or of time during rounds in the CIC.
*Neither is teaching nuggets how to make balloon animals.
*Or participating in the ship-wide distribution of balloon animals.
*Dr. Baltar does send his thanks, however, for the adorable green giraffe.
406. Not allowed to stage a reinactment of "The Little Boy Who Cried Cylon", for reasons that should be obvious even to me.
407. Nothing is "my boomstick".
408. I am not the mess hall's sous chef.
*Nor am I the manager.
*Nor am I the maitre d'.
409. Not allowed to talk about my sex toy collection.
*Or add ship's equipment to my sex toy collection.
*Or add people to my sex toy collection.
*Even if they ask.
*Even if they beg.
*Especially if they run screaming in the opposite direction.
*Dr. Baltar does too count as a person.
*No matter what anyone else says.
410. I have not been authorized to "bring sexy back".
*Neither has anyone else.
*No, not even Major Adama.
*"Them pilots" do know how to act.
*As do "them Cylons".
*In any case, sexy never left.
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411. I am not allowed to ask Capt. Agathon how many licks it takes to get to the center of his Tootsie Pop.

412. I am not allowed to ask either of the Agathons how many licks it takes to get to the center of their Tootsie Pops.
*Or of each others
*Not even if Capt. Thrace did it first.

413. I am not allowed to call Maj. Adama's bullet wound a 'little love bite'.

414. I am not allowed to call Maj Adama's bullet wound 'Starbuck's calling card'
*Especially in her presence
*I am not allowed to write 'Starbuck's calling card' across the bandage Cottle put across my nose when Starbuck hit me.
*I am also not allowed to get one of the nuggets to do it for me.
*Starbuck does not, in fact, have a calling card.
*Not allowed to make her some.
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