Plot
Spoiler warning: Plot and/or ending details follow.The film begins with
Lucy, one of the four
orphans, played by
Jayma Mays. She is an employee at a
museum and witnessed the death of Jacques Saunière, in a parody of
The Da Vinci Code. Lucy is desperate to get "the code" from the dying Saunière, but is unable to understand him. Saunière then breaks out in dance, spelling out Da Vinci for Lucy. She then runs to the
Mona Lisa, finds a ridiculous clue("So lame the hair of
Tom"), and heads to the
vending machine to hit the number 7. Through all this,
Silas-like character (played by an albino black man) is in the middle of chasing Lucy, preparing to attack her. However, a
chocolate bar falls out of the vending machine, her high heel shoe breaks, and she bends over before Silas is able to get her. He crashes into the vending machine. Lucy discovers that the chocolate bar is from the Wonka factory, and obtains a
Golden Ticket inviting her to go on an "epic adventure".
Next, we follow Edward at a Mexican
monastery/
orphanage, in a parody of
Nacho Libre. Edward, played by
Kal Penn, is the oldest one at the monastery and decides he’s going to become a
wrestler after declaring he is better than the rest of the orphans. He insults Nacho's cooking and then gets beaten up by one of the orphans to "teach him a lesson", and is thrown down a
table. As he is sliding along, he notices a Golden Ticket from a Willy chocolate bar and takes it. Edward ends up crashing through the
window.
We then see
Susan (Faune Chambers) in the middle of a flight on her way to her new adoptive parents,
Brad Pitt and
Angelina Jolie. She requests a glass of water from her flight attendant. The attendant pours a pitcher into a plastic glass, but instead of water, a snake falls in (
Snakes on a Plane).
Samuel L. Jackson shows up saying "I've had it! These god-damn snakes on this god-damn plane!", picks up Susan, and tosses her out of the plane. On the ground,
Paris Hilton is seen walking out of a store. "I’m so hot", she says. Susan lands on Paris Hilton, crushing her, and taking the Golden Ticket from Paris' purse.
Peter (played by
Adam Campbell) is a mutant, parodying
Marvel Comics'
X-Men. He is attracted to
Mystique (
Carmen Electra) and asks her to be his date to the homecoming dance. She declines the offer, as
Wolverine,
Storm,
Rogue and
Cyclops show up to tell Peter off. Wolverine draws his metal claws and begins to approach Peter. Peter panics and begins to take off his upper clothing, preparing to show his mutant ability. Suddenly, small chicken wings burst out of Peter's back. The other mutants burst out laughing at him.
Magneto, the
headmaster, breaks up the fight and shoos Peter off. However, Magneto uses his abilities to open a locker, smashing Peter right in the face. All the X-Men laugh and leave the scene. A Willy bar falls on Peter, and he recovers a Golden Ticket. This scene is also comparable to the movie
Grease 2 in which an English student, at an American high school, asks the 'popular girl' (pink lady/mystique) on a date and is rejected. And is then bullied by the 'cool guys' (T-Birds/other x-men).
The orphans meet
Willy Wonka look-a-like known as Willy.
The four orphans meet at the Willy Chocolate Factory (
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).
Willy Wonka (
Crispin Glover) tells the orphans that the secret ingredient in his chocolate is human parts, and he plans to keep the orphans in his factory to use them for his chocolate. He succeeds in getting the ingredients, and is now holding the orphans captive.
All four of them are locked in a room together. They try to come up with ideas to escape, but are discouraged because of the fact they're all orphans. Willy is heard approaching, calling for the orphans to go to him. Everyone panics, trying to find a place to hide. Lucy wanders out of the room and finds a
wardrobe (
The Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe) in another room down the hall. She opens it, and after a massive pile of clutter lands on top of her, she climbs inside to meet
Mr. Tumnus (
Hector Jiminez). He welcomes Lucy to G
narnia, and warns her of the grave danger she's in.
Edward follows Lucy to Gnarnia, explained "For legal reasons," by Mr. Tumnus and meets the
White Bitch (
Jennifer Coolidge). She sucks Edward's thumb suggestively and gets him to agree to get the other orphans in the same place. Susan and Peter arrive in Gnarnia and find Lucy and Edward. Edward tries to get everyone to stay put, but it doesn't work. Everyone makes their way to Mr. Tumnus' house; a reluctant Edwards tags along. There, a talking
beaver introduces himself as Mr. Tumnus'
life partner, Harry Beaver...well, after Lucy kicks him. Harry tells the orphans that the White Bitch arrested Mr. Tumnus for protecting Lucy. Also, he tell the orphans that "the clues are all around you". Edward leaves just as the others are looking around the house. A painting of
the last supper hangs on the wall. After examining it, the orphans discover that they are all related to one another, and that the White Bitch killed their parents.
Meanwhile, Edward goes to see the White Bitch at her castle. He realizes that she is evil, and refuses to tell her where the other orphans are. Unfortunately, the White Bitch flashes him her chest again, and Edward,
transfixed, gives her the information unhesitatingly. He is then locked in the
castle prison.
The orphans meet the beaver.
Because the White Bitch knows where they are located, Lucy, Susan, and Peter have to leave Mr. Tumnus' house. When they leave, they run into Mr. Tumnus. He and Harry Beaver share a passionate kiss. The reunion is cut short, however; Silas is after Mr. Tumnus, and he gets everyone to leave before Silas arrives. Lucy and Susan don't want to leave him, but Peter, being a coward, leads them off. As they distance themselves from Mr. Tumnus, Silas arrives and shoots him in the chest. He cries for help from the others, but Peter assures the girls that he's testing them and he doesn't really need their help. They then leave the scene deciding Mr. Tumnus is really okay.
Edward tries to find ways to break out of prison. He meets the very eccentric (and very drunk)
Captain Jack Swallows (
Pirates of the Caribbean series), who is difficult to understand, but manages to come up with a plan to get out of the prison cell. He whips out a knife, pokes Edward in the stomach, and cries out "man down!". When the guards come, Swallows picks up Edward and uses his body to knock down the guards, giving them enough time to escape.
Harry Beaver sends Lucy, Susan and Peter out of the winter scenery and into the woods to train for the war. They end up meeting
Harry Potter (who claims to be "only 14" despite appearing to be at least 40), along with a balding
Ron and a pregnant
Hermione. They all help Lucy, Susan and Peter train for the war.
Edward asks Jack Swallows what it is like to be a pirate, and after some dancing realizes that Jack Swallow isn't even a real pirate, and the ship they are on is an amusement park ride. Jack Swallows sells Edward to the White Bitch, who traps him in a prison. She then kills Jack Swallows, who swears revenge.
Upon finishing their training, they head to the camp of
Aslo, the wise but horny lion. There they are greeted by many people, including
James Bond and
Chewbacca. Aslo agrees to help them rescue Edward, in return for group
sex. They eventually rescue Edward, with Aslo killing Silas in the process, who is in turn killed by the White Bitch.
Harry Beaver tells the orphans that Aslo is dead, and the orphans feel alone. However, the entire camp will help them fight the White Bitch's army, including Peter's former classmates. Susan, Edward, and Lucy gets drunk, with Susan vomiting all over the camp. Meanwhile, Peter has sex with Mystique.
Edward and Jack Swallows.
Upon facing the White Bitch's army, they realize they are outnumbered because nobody came to help them after Susan vomited all over them. They are distracted for a time as Jack Swallows attempts to gain revenge by running over the White Bitch with a giant
waterwheel. The White Bitch uses her
Davy Jones mask to redirect him away from the battle. Peter attempts to run, but rips off his chicken wings and returns to help his family. They heroically charge, but all but Peter are fatally wounded. as Peter is about to be struck down, he grabs a
remote (
Click) on the ground, which pauses time. He heals the injuries of his comrades, and the orphans proceed to kill the entire army as it is paused.
Eventually, all that is left is the White Bitch. As the other orphans go to strike her down, Peter stops them, and gives a lecture about how Gnarnia will be a
democracy, and that she will be given a fair trial. This lecture is interrupted as the White Bitch is flattened by Jack Swallows. The orphans then become kings and queens of Gnarnia, and in their old age they discover the wardrobe again, walking through it. They become young again, and encounter
Borat. Borat congratulates them for having a happy ending, just as Jack Swallows flattens them he quotes "Not," from his movie. The credits then start rolling.
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Subject: Epic Movie 
Mon Feb 05, 2007 7:10 pm
