Ask Dr. Whid

Dr. Whid is a certified doctor and his advice will help you.*




*Dr. Whids advice might kill you, he is a quack.

Dr. Whid,

I've tried all the over the counter medications for allergies but they don't seem to be working. I still suffer from the sniffles and my eyes get itchy. I'm not able to afford a perscription from the doc. What do you suggest I do?

Sincerely,
Stuffy in Sachse

Take a bottle of pure alchohol, and poor it in the open wound. In this case, the nose/lung cavity. If it hurts, this is natural.*




*following this advice will result in much pain, and possible death.

Does it have to be pure alcohol?? Will something like Vodka or Whiskey work? And do I have to poor it into the nose/lung cavity or can I just drink it and get the same results??

It must be 100% Denatured alcohol.*


*Denatured alcohol is toxic and will kill you. It is also flammable. It's what you burn in camp wicks.

It burns when I pee, Dr. Whid.

Yes, Dr. Whid, after I partied with these dudes in Anaheim a little while back, some out-of-towners, I got a rash on my fist. Please explain. One was from the east, one sounded like a butler.

-HECK!

Dr. Whid,

I have this fear of the unknown. What should I do as I have to face each day, not knowing what can happen?

Scared

What's the best remedy for the hiccups?

gaboman wrote:

It burns when I pee, Dr. Whid.

I'm sorry to say that like Morgellons desease, fibromyalgia and a womans menstral cycle, it's all in your head.

Aspirin might help, but probably not, as you have severe mental problems. You need a shrink, not a medical doctor.

Good day to you sir.

HECK! wrote:

Yes, Dr. Whid, after I partied with these dudes in Anaheim a little while back, some out-of-towners, I got a rash on my fist. Please explain. One was from the east, one sounded like a butler.

-HECK!

Your body is full of toxins. I suggest a coffee enema, followed by a strict regimin of Live yogurt acidophilus to polish your colon. If this does not do the trick, try inserting flaxseed, goldenseal, hops, into the rectal area.

You may want to mix them first before insertion and temper their entry with a soft lotion gell. Make sure you purchase goldenseal, and not goldenburn, which is a type of chili pepper sold for allergies. The rectum does not respond kindly to pepper of any kind.

Lawless wrote:

Dr. Whid,

I have this fear of the unknown. What should I do as I have to face each day, not knowing what can happen?

Scared

This is most likely the result of the veneral desease chlamydia. It's nothing to ashamed of, but people will judge you, so tell no one. Not even a sexual partner. It's none of their business.

I suggest a steady diet of root stem tubers, and abstention from alcohol of any kind.

A gentle cleaning of the genitals with lysol or windex will speed recovery, which should be in 2 to 5 years.

Leonna wrote:

What's the best remedy for the hiccups?

I suggest a strong regimen of antibiotics, and neoadjuvat chemotherapy. If we catch this quickly, radiation treatments will not be nessesary.

To those of you who paid an office visit last week, there was a minor problems with some needles by one of the nurses.

She failed to use a new one for each patient.

If you made an office visit last week, you need to tested for hepititus and the AIDS virus.

Also, if you sat in the waiting room, you need to be tested for head lice.

And if you ate in the cafeteria, there is a small chance that you may have mad cow desease.

If you got advice online, nothing to worry about.


But, uh, I will bring it up, the office computer was infected with trojan/worm keygen amp w32,myzor,fk@fy.

There is a small chance it made it's way to your hard drive. All it does is erase files at random, and hook up to porn sites and use credit card numbers.

If you have Windows Beta 7 anti trojan 2009 Explorer edition installed, you have nothing to fear.

Dear Doctor Whid,

I find myself not able to remember what I was talking about from moment to HEY! There's a computer in front of me! Why is it OH SNAP! I'm not wearing matching socks!

fuscia wrote:

Dear Doctor Whid,

I find myself not able to remember what I was talking about from moment to HEY! There's a computer in front of me! Why is it OH SNAP! I'm not wearing matching socks!

I'm terribly sorry, but you still owe 5 dollars on an old co-pay. Can't help you out.

Dr Whid -
I keep losing my elbow.
When I bend my arm it's there, but every time I straighten my arm out, my elbow disappears.
Help!

Schmiggens wrote:

Dr Whid -
I keep losing my elbow.
When I bend my arm it's there, but every time I straighten my arm out, my elbow disappears.
Help!

This is caused by a lung disorder called Cystic fibrosis. We will have to remove 85% of each lung. Dont' worry, they will grow back.

We will also take out the adrenal gland and one of your kidneys as well.

It can be done on an outpatient visit, with 2 to 3 days recovery time.

If you experience mucous in the lungs, abnormal heart rhythms, or shock, don't worry, this is natural and nothing to worry about.

Dr Whid, where did you go to medical school? What is your specialty? Are you related to Dr Phil?

OMG! If he is related to Dr Phil, then he must know Oprah!!!!!
*Schmiggens jumps up and down and screams and cries and squeals like a tween at a Miley Cyrus concert*

hmmmm.....maybe he IS Dr. Phil, and he's moonlighting....

BratFlorida wrote:

Dr Whid, where did you go to medical school? What is your specialty? Are you related to Dr Phil?

I spent 15 long years at Johns Hopkins University.


Not in class, I was the janitor. But then I went to the University of Minnesota Duluth, and recieved a doctorate on herbology. However, I took no spelling classes. That's what spell checks are for.

Due to some malpractice suits, I lost my medical licence in 49 of the 50 states. But I can still practice in Oklahoma and the U.S. controlled Virgin Islands.

My main field of expertise is geriatric proctology, but I branch out some too, because the thought of just looking at rectums all day is quite depressing. Especially in the elderly.

Dr. Phil is an ambulance chaser. I treat the sick and make them well. He wants to confront men on being dead beat dads. I want to heal the sick dammit.

Plus, Dr. Phil has his head up Oprah's rear, yes Oprah, o.k. Oprah, I'll get right on that Oprah...

Man is not a real man to act like that, much less a medical professional such as myself.

Dr Whid... I now have a greater respect for you, after all the training you've received.

It's all about helping out the people. Sure I'v lost a few, and overcharged some others, but my heart is with the people.

I learn from my mistakes.