My Work Jokes

We have a weekly newsletter at work that always includes a joke. Some of them are good, some of them are lame, but I thought I would share them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A man owned a small hill farm in the West of Ireland, The Department of Employment claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me then' replied the farmer.


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a millionaire?' had reached the final question.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money and as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.. She had used up her 50/50 lifeline and her ask the audience lifeline - all that remained was her phone-a-friend lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because......... Her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced..

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted

--------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, an employee received an unusually large pay cheque.

She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her cheque was for less that the normal amount and she confronted her boss.

"How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"

Unperturbed, the employee replied,

"Well, I can overlook one mistake - but not two in a row!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Who's funeral is it?'

'My wife's'

'What happened to her?'

The man rep lied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line'


--------------------------------------------------------------------
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport, after it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered...............

'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.'

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU NAME YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
JUST ONE TAP
A passenger in an Irish taxi leaned over to ask the driver, Paddy, a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

Paddy screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared da liven daylights outa me.'

The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said she didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder would frighten him so much. Paddy replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my first day driven' a cab.
I've been drivin' a hearse for the last 25 years.'


---------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! . God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

TOMATO GARDEN

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents & local police arrived & dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead & plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
---------------------------------------------------------------------

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
‘I don’t know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three different universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

'Just to establish some parameters,' said the professor to the student from Oxford University, “What is the opposite of joy?”

''Sorrow” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked the young lady from Cambridge

“Elation” she said.

“And you, sir” he said to the student from Trinity College, Dublin,

“How about the opposite of woe?”

The student replied, 'I believe that would be “Giddy up”.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A Woman walks in to a pharmacy and said she wanted to purchase some Cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he said, "Lord, have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of bad things will happen!

Absolutely not, you can not have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

They're all not bad, jokes I haven't heard before.

That last one with the pharmacist is just a little sad though.

You did say that some were funny right? When are you posting those?

-HECK!

I thought the elephant one was kinda funny. Probably wasn't the same elephant. HA.

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

These 'jokes' anger me.

See, I read them. But I don't laugh. What's up with that?

Not even a half-smile. The corner of my mouth doesn't even flinch. I even heard something in the background that I would normally laugh at, but the lack of humor in this past joke was so powerful that it robbed the other funny thing of all laughter. These are blackhole jokes. Everything funny is sucked in and never heard from again.

Please make the next joke funny. I demand it.

This is funny:

A man wakes to a beautiful, sunny day.

“Honey,” he says, shaking his wife, “wake up. We’re going fishing.”

“I don’t know…” she mumbles.

“I’m going out to get the dog and load up the truck,” he says. “When I get back, you decide: Come fishing, give me a blow job, or take it up the ass.”

She rolls her eyes, but when he comes back she starts to unzip him.

“I see you’ve made your decision,” he says, pulling down his pants.

“What’s that smell?” she asks, wincing.

“Oh, yeah,” he says, “the dog didn’t wanna go, either.”

----------
-HECK!

Hahaha that's baad but oh so funny.

My boss also likes to send jokes around, he's like the guy you know who only keeps in touch by sending you random emails from time to time.


PEDRO AND MARIA -

When Pedro and Maria got married, he was a very experienced man, but she was totally naïve. On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, 'Pedro! What is that?'

Pedro was a quick thinker. 'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.' And then he proudly showed her what it was for. Maria was pleased.

After the honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work, only to return home to find an upset Maria waiting on their front porch.

'Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!'

Ever fast on his feet, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.' A sceptical Maria accepted this answer, but when

Pedro returned home the next day, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch. 'Maria? Now what's wrong?'

'Damn it, Pedro. You gave the best one to Gonzalez!'

Only an Aussie can make you feel like a woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightening.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped... Then, he spoke...

'Iron this will you -- and then get me a beer.'

BURGLARY IN FLORIDA (You just can't make this stuff up!!)

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his DVD player, and even left his Rolex watch.

What they did take, however, was a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.

Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.' The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.

The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings"

^ that was emailed to me as though it is a real news article, but that can't really be real. Can it?

The end makes me think it's made up. The story itself could be factual, you know?

The whole thing sounds made-up.

who would keep cremated ashes in a cardboard box?

Would be funny if it happened though.

Yeah, can tell it's made up. No one on the street would be named Hoochie.

-HECK!

TWO OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved afl all our lives, and we played football on Saturday's together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there.'

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill...

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.
Then he gets the full house and wins $1,000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000!

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Sir, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'

‘Goodness me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well!!

hahaha that joke is so forced.... I mean yellow 24? Seriously?

hahahahah that's classic.