Best Denny Crane Quotes

"You're one of those environmental lawyers?...They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, 'Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty.' Let me tell you something, I came out here to enjoy nature, don't talk to me about the environment."

"I climb the stairs every morning. The elevator is for democrats."

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on. With all that's going on in the world today, who among us hasn't at least once wanted to take an axe to a priest?"

"Watch it, Judge. We're a superpower. Don't make us add you to the axis."

"Bev is the woman I've always dreamed of. An angel in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen."

"I can't believe you did this to me...You were there in a sea of breasts and you didn't invite me. I heard there were two hundred women. That's four hundred breasts. And you kept them all to yourself."

"May I express a thought? I so rarely get one."

"Of course we believe you. We even believe the part about the car being stolen. We believe it all, Ronald. That's why you pay us."

"I promise you. Once I enter into an exclusive relationship, I sleep with very few people."

"You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife."

"I think I have Mad Penis."

"She said she wanted to fulfill every single one of my fantasies. I made a list. Had to type it myself. My assistant threatened to quit."

"First rule of thumb in practicing law: always, always promise the client millions and millions of dollars. It's good business."

"Son. Son. This is the United States of America. We don't really believe in Miranda anymore."

"Oh my God. We don't know whether he's innocent or guilty. I hate that."

"I may not be the Denny Crane I once was, but until today I didn't realize that this Denny Crane might be even better."

"My father, God rest his soul, told me the best sex he ever had was with one-legged women. Something about positional play. I don't know. I've always wondered. So there I was driving down the street, and I saw her. A woman with long, flowing hair...an incredible, magnificent limp. So I pulled the car over. I said, 'Excuse me, madam. Do you have a wooden leg?' And she said, 'Why? Do you have one at the moment?' I smiled and I said, 'As a matter of fact...' And she said, 'I'm expensive.' So I told her I'd buy her a trip to Belize, first class. She pulled out her badge and arrested me. Both her legs were real."

"Beautiful woman, Glenn Close. Always meant to have sex with her."

"Massachusetts is a Blue State. God has no place here."

"You're a douchebag. I don't do well with douchebags."

"Bored? How can I be bored? I'm Denny Crane. Even the sound of my name fascinates. More, Sydney. More about me."

"The midget I'm dating could be my daughter."

"I'd just like to say that most of us begin life suckling on a breast. If we're lucky we end life suckling on a breast. So anybody who's against breasts is against life itself."

"See, that's why we're perceived as soft on terror, we can't even kill out own people."

"You’re talking about marriage, an institution with sacred vows, ones which we live up to almost 50% of the time. It’s a sanctity."

"I'll have the jury eating out of my lap."

"Denny Crane never goes down. Except as a lover—I'm giving in bed... Is that relevant?"

"I’m all for gay rights. But letting them marry? Do we really want them to have children together? I mean, two biologically gay parents? Imagine what kind of an army we would have, other than a happy one."

Is this Shatner's character?

-HECK!

It is indeed.

Denny Crane.

It's the mad-cow that makes him that way.