Popcorn at the cinemas (Outrageous!)

The Great Mystery Of Cinema - Popcorn

Back in the days of the depression, cinemas were one of the few places doing a roaring trade. But they had a problem. While people were lining up to be whisked away from their icky lives for a few hours, they were hungry. And hot dogs were expensive. They needed to find a food that could be made cheap, sold cheap and fill a hole for the length of a film. the answer was popcorn. Almost seventy years later we still chomp down on pocorn when we go to a movie, but now we pay more for a bucket of corn than we do for a rack of lamb. Why is it so expensive? Why do we keep buying it? Is it killing us? What are the alternatives? Read on, happy campers, for this is all you ever needed to know about the world of popcorn and how YOU can strike a telling blow against the evil capitalists who are ripping you off.

WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE?
There's a few reasons, but the main reason is the apathy of the public. The cinema owners claim that because they have to share 70-90% of the box office with the film distributors, they have no option but to overcharge for snacks. This is the same kind of thinking that sees software companies charging hundreds of dollars for software and complaining when 80% of the market uses pirated software instead. But unlike the savvy software users, cinema-goers behave like sheep. They queue up for their over-priced popcorn, complete with butter substitute (is it really that expensive to use real butter when you're charging $5 for some popped corn?) and they'll get the super large family sized bucket (that they can never finish) because it's only a dollar extra. In short, popcorn is super-expensive because people still buy it. Goofs.

WHAT DOES POPCORN ACTUALLY COST?
Let's be very clear - popcorn is today, just as it was in the depression, the cheapest snack food around. If you don't believe me, hit the supermarket and pick up a bag of popping corn. If you pay more than a buck for a bag of kernels that will last you six months, go punch the clerk in the teeth. Cinema owners who buy in bulk pay about a third what you'll be paying. So essentially, each $5 bucket of popcorn consists of about $0.02 of corn. The bucket it comes in costs about $0.10, but you'll find more often than not they're sponsored these days. Calvin Klein pays for the popcorn buckets at your local Loewes. This only leaves staffing costs, which again the cinema operators claim are high. They're liars. Your average cinema candy bar flunky costs minimum wage. But let's be generous and say they get $12 an hour. If a $5 bucket of popcorn costs $0.12 to make, this means the candy bar gal only needs to sell two and a half in an hour to have covered her wage. In short, popcorn costs nothing. It's all profit.

WHY DO WE KEEP BUYING IT?
You might notice next time you hit the candy bar you have limited options. There's no salad. No yoghurt. No burgers. No sandwiches. No donuts. But there is bags of chips, nachos, ice cream cones and other assorted noisy items that most people think twice about before buying. Why? Because popcorn is silent and profitable. They want you into the corn, and your only other option is to be a noisy asshole that pisses the people next to you off everytime you rattle a wrapper. Or is there another option...?

OTHER OPTIONS!
Cargo pants, people. Those pockets are there for a reason. $5 will buy you a lot of Whoppers and a lot of donuts. Hell, it'll even buy you something healthy. So buy up, slip your stash into your cargo's and while you're at it, the lower pockets will hold a mid-sized bottle of Pepsi. You're a walking feast and you're saving money. WHOOO! Things to be careful of: 1) make sure the cord in your pants is tied tight. Nothing worse than approaching the ticket-collector and having you pants drop around your ankles under the weight of your Pepsi. 2) Buy food that doesn't stink. Whoppers are good, but fries will give you away in a flash, not to mention burn your groin.

MAKE YOUR OWN!
If you really need to indulge in the popcorn thing, try making your own. It's cheaper, tastier, and you can tell people you now how to cook. After a lifetime of trial and error, this is the way to make the finest popcorn you'll ever make. No burny bits, minimal non-poppers, minimal clean up. Follow these instructions.

1. Get yourself a pot to cook the little beggars in. Make sure you have a lid. This is important, sparky.

2. You also need a long handle and make sure the bottom of the pot is thick and preferably rounded where the sides and bottom meet. This is the place where the burny bits get wedged when most people make popcorn, and if you eliminate the corners, you eliminate the burnys.

3. Cover the bottom of the pot with just enough oil so that you can swirl it around. Any kind of oil other than Pennzoil will do. Olive, vegetable, canola, whatever's lying around.

4. Turn the heat on as high as you can get it. The boffins tell you to set it at a certain heat and that you need to heat the oil and add salt before you put the kernels in. Lies! All lies! Turn it up to high, forget the salt, and cover the bottom of the pot with kernels. If you cover the bottom of the pot with kernels, the pot will hold them when they've popped without overflowing. Any more and you're going to have spillage.

5. If the oil isn't just covering the kernels, add more. Don't put the lid on yet, but keep it handy. You should see tiny little air bubbles coming from the end of the kernels. This is a good thing. You want this.

5. Shake that pot every ten seconds or so until you hear the first pop. Then stick the lid on quickly, lest your kitchen be submerged in flying popcorn, and shake the pot like crazy. It's hard to burn an unpopped kernel, but once they pop they'll singe quick, so keep 'em moving.

6. Keep things cooking until you hear the last sad pop or the lid starts to come off from the pressure of 600lbs of popcorn.

7. Pour it immediately into a big bowl, don't wait around. Once you've done that, stick the pot and lid under cold water and rinse it. It'll splash and make a nasty hiss, especially if you went apeshit on the oil, but it'll mean you don't have to scrape bits off the pot later. Let it soak until someone who enjoys washing dishes gets sick of looking at it.

8. Sprinkle some salt over the bowl. You don't need to worry about shaking it, just go easy and the salt will distribute itself as you eat. You might notice that because you followed these rules, you have no unpopped stuff and nothing burned. That's cos I rule.

9. Time to be daring. Get some honey, honey. Stick a knife into the jar, take it out and let the honey run over the popcorn. Don't smear it, just hold the knife over it and let it dribble off - the slower the better. Make sure to keep the knife moving. You want to cover the popcorn in thin stripes of honey so that there's an even distribution, not too much. Why honey? Because it tastes damn good. And it stops your lips cracking from salt overload. If you're not sure, pour half your popcorn into another bowl first and only honey-cover one of them. Note: do not follow step 9 if you plan on sneaking the popcorn into a cinema in the pockets of your cargo pants. Unless you like honey'ed testicles. And seriously, who doesn't?

10. You've gone this far, go the whole banana. Get a teaspoon of chocolate Quik and sprinkle it over your popcorn, not too much. I know it sounds awful, but trust me, this is a taste sensation. And I rule.

11. Eat up.

IS POPCORN UNHEALTHY?
Well, no. Essentially, the raw product is just corn, perhaps laced with a bit of cooking oil. But if you load up on salt and butter, you're gonna die sooner, that's for certain. So go easy. The cinemas over-salt popcorn to get you buying soda. You don't need to do that at home. Just chiiiiiiiill, Satan!

So there you have it. The history, the finances, the biology, the theory and the recipe. The world of popcorn is once more at your grasp. It's revolution, baby!

One last tip - when throwing popcorn at unruly cinema patrons who won't shut up, half chewed popcorn is easier to aim, sticks in hair, and makes a certain statement that an unchewed kernel just can't make. Ya know?

I'm speechless. Those bloodsucking bastards!

Though in all honesty, I always sneak whoppers in. I have for years.

I'm more of a gummy bears kinda gal. That or Cherry Sours.

You name it, I've snuck it into a movie theater. Typically I bring in a tall can and sunflower seeds. Over the years I've brought a variety of beer, from 40oz's to a six pack. Assorted candy. I've snuck in tons of popcorn, mostly cheese popcorn. A sandwich, hamburger, beef jerkey, sausage, hot dog, fish 'n chips, the list goes on.

I remember when I was a kid there was a drive-in theater in town. My mom would take us in dad's truck, make a brown shopping bag full of popcorn. Remember watching the Karate Kid on the hood of my dad's car eating fistfulls of popcorn. Them's were the times.

But dammit, getting the giant bag for a $1 more... I do that shit all the time! The lady won't let me buy popcorn anymore. We'll agree to get a medium, she'll go get seats and when I come in I have the super jumbo bag. I am a popcorn sucker.

-HECK!

I don't pay for that crap at a theatre. It's OUTRAGEOUS!!!!
I have snuck in so much food, snacks, drinks, etc... over the years.
I love taking a huge bag on sunflower seeds, and a bottle of water.
The theatre at Fashion Valley AMC lets you walk in holding a HUGE cup of soda, from anywhere. They don't care. Never stopped me before.

The only movie I've been to in 4 years is Shrek 3, took Paige and Jord for her first movie experience. It was a matinee, so it cost $12 to get in. It's been a long time since I've been to a movie, so I thought that was a little steep. Until I got to the damned concession stand. For drinks and popcorn, nachos and gummy bears, it was $32! I almost dropped dead! I love the smell of popcorn, but I eat a few handfuls and I'm done. The taste just never lives up to the smell for me. I used to take all kinds of stuff to the movie when I went regularly, but the best was when Wayne's World came out. I went to see it about 5 times, dragging different people, and had a big old oversized purse and we'd shove 6 or 8 beers in there.